I'm going to rape someone's good day.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
