i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
