Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
