If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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