If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
