guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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