can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
