I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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