spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize