I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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