omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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