I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
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Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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