Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy