I think I just saw someone hide a body.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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