i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
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Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
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I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?