me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
