I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
