sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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