You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
