Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
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