i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
