Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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