hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
