I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
