I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
