At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
