does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Randomize
