Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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