the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
