I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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