the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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