Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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