I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
