I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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