Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
