i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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