I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
