The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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