I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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