im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
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Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
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can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You should frame my arrest warrant.