I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
