so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.