Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
