I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.