I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
