All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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