I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
