i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
