and you said cock pushups were impossible
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm at about main and main street
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
