it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
