WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
