I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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