I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
