I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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