he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
