I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
