just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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