I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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