Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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