Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
