There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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