I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
