Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
