I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
